No, I don't use the blog. This is my blog. This was my blog before Tribe added blogs. Anyway . . . .

I'm starting to feel that way again. I'm getting that "everything is crappy and boring and I am lonely and my life needs something it is sorely lacking" feeling. I hate when I get that way cuz I no longer know what to do with myself. Like now; I would/should have been in bed hours ago and it is almost midnight and all I can think about is my lingering misery.

I have been working at the Holiday Inn cooking for the restaurant for about... I guess 9 or 10 months. It's okay cuz I usually work alone during lunch and I mind my own business for the most part - changing pans and stocking required foodstuffs, baking breads and slicing meats, cleaning the coolers and fryers on a regular basis. The only thing that was bugging me so very badly was the fact that my boss was a DICK. He stayed up my ass all the time about "not doing my job" if he caught me doing so much as taking a deep breath. I could go into far more detail - about how the three to four people working the dinner shift expect me to do all the hard, dirty work while they do nothing except read books and magazines, smoke cigarettes, talk on the phone, watch TV, play cards in the break room, etc - and have the audacity to bitch when I "didn't stock the bread" which probably got used while I was busy or they could bloody well go and get it themselves. <sigh> Yeah, see?

I feel like I'm "in a rut" when I know damn well that I'm not. The band thing is going.... ok. It could be going better. Problem there is that we can schedule a practice date 3 weeks in advance, but on the day-of, I don't hear from anyone or otherwise can't get in touch with anyone.. and then when I DO hear from someone, they're bitching cuz I haven't talked to them all day and often times one of the guys comes around with, "Well I gotta take my wife to Bed Bath and Beyond," or some horseshit like that. If we don't get our shit together, I dunno if I will care so much about playing with them anymore, even though playing drums is extremely therapeutic for me.

The *main* thing that is bothering me is that I keep thinking about *her.* Yes, *her,* and I hate it. I still think I was in love with her and maybe she was the only one I ever loved. Being around her made me so, so happy. Maybe, she might say, a little *too* happy. But anyway, I felt like a kid when I was around her and the only other thing that makes me feel like a kid is acid. That's really saying something (I think), comparing my feelings about her to my reactions from a strong psychoactive drug. [Just so we are all clear, I have not done any "strong psychoactive drugs" in YEARS; since before I ever joined Tribe, for sure.] I am having those delusional thoughts that maybe she still thinks about me and wonders about where I am or how I am doing because I certainly do think about her on a damn-near daily basis.

Shit, maybe, that's why I'm feeling like this, because there I go clinging to something that happened, like, 7 years ago. In all that time I have had the nerve to ask out ONE girl, and it was fairly recently. Months ago, a girl at work. Cutest thing I've seen in awhile but probably thinks she's too good for me. Obviously she said "no," and I haven't had the guts to ask her, or anyone else, since. Besides that one instance, though, I don't talk to any girls or asked them out or shown any signs of interest whatsoever. It's awful. My friend even brought two girls over here a few weeks ago and we all got PLASTERED and all they kept talking about was all the sexual things they wanted to do to me, or whatever, and all I could think was that they must be skanks.

*She* and I had so much in common. Only thing I wasn't crazy about was her fondness for radio-pop, but if I could spend a day with her, I think that can be overlooked. We liked the same types of cartoons, video games, even porn. The more I think about *her,* the more I think that "she was the perfect girl for me" and all that and THAT'S SOOO NOT HEALTHY FOR ME TO THINK THAT, YES, THANKS, I KNOW. The fact is, though, and I am ready to admit it, is that I lied to her. She didn't want me partaking of certain "habits" and I swore to her "no more" but that lasted a whole.. maybe a week? Thing I never understood about that situation is that she LOVED me when I was stoned but otherwise couldn't stand me. I never.. got that. Clearly, that was at the beginning of our relationship. We were never "serious," but years later on the day she told me that she loved me I just kinda shrugged and smiled which... hurt her feelings. After she acted so indifferently all the times I tried to convey my feelings - and all the times *my* feelings were hurt - she couldn't take it, when really inside I was tingling with joy. What was a supposed to do, though? Say, "Oh, baby! I love you too!" She would've thought that was corny as hell. She thought a lot of things I did were corny as hell, at least that's how she acted. .... but damn, I do miss her. I dunno if I need "closure" or what. Maybe if I got in touch with her I would find out that she was married with a college degree and 2 kids with some guy that was a millionaire. Or maybe I would find out that she was still single and living with her mom and wondering about me, too. She was always very driven, full of ambition, so the first thing is more likely to be true. Maybe I could call her mom and ask about her... maybe I should shut the fuck up about *her* already. <long, heaving sigh>

I guess I might start using Tribe more often since "I'm starting to feel that way again."