God.. it is so boring and lonely when you keep the hours I do.

"If you could see inside my head, would you start to understand the things I value in my heart?" - from the song J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva) by Green Day from the Angus the movie Soundtrack

Unfortunately, people can't see inside each other's heads. Might make things easier if it were possible. I wish I could let people see inside my own head cuz it would unlock a lot of mysteries. Some scary, some interesting, some funny, but then I guess I wouldn't have to work so hard trying to "make friends." I swear, when I meet someone new, it might take me months to say anything at all around them. ESPECIALLY if it's a female. Lord, women just make my brain stop. A girl at the club not long ago actually approached and spoke to ME and she was cute too.. and I had nothing to say. Why? Good question. I guess, "Hey, I think you're cute," might have been a start but that's almost too easy or cliche or something. At least, that's what I always think when the truth is, if I'd have said it, it'd have been quite the opposite and she'd probably have thought it was so super-duper sweet and blah blah but I'm insecure and I talk myself out of things.

That whole above-mentioned song (which I realize you may not know) is sort of a Alma-Mater sort of something about the way I feel about living my own life, but things don't work out like that, do they? I mean, what the hell am I going to do? Like, right now GAWD I'm so bored and lonely and I don't even have anything to say, never ever ever, but I just wish I had someone to talk to that was NOT one of my fuck-tard idiot friends with an IQ of 40. I depress myself that I keep such company, but what can I do? Go to the Drift-In (the local redneck bar, which is the only category of bar that's within a 100-mile radius) and pick up a girl? Toothless, trashy, just plain nasty, methed-out or worse with 3 kids and she's only 19. Then you can't keep a decent conversation with any of the guys that doesn't escalate into a pointless drunken brawl. Mmm, classy!

"Someday I think we'll all be murdered by all the ones we elect to office." - (That's from New Wave Lullaby, I believe Weezer but it's questionable.)

I hate being:
Pessimistic, lonely, crabby, worried, sad, fat..

I like being:
Busy, amus-ed, clean

I love being:
Fed, loved, happy, amus-ing

I miss having:
Decent friends, a drumset, a life, a job and therefore a steady paycheck.. and therefore a girlfriend, it would seem.

I hate having:
No life, to stay in my grandparent's house, a giant ulcer in my goddamned brain

I wish I had:
A drumset, a decent apartment, a job and therefore a steady paycheck, a girlfriend - or at least a friend/girl or at least a friend that doesn't drag thier knuckles when they walk. (No offense to anyone that may be reading this, I mean a "physical" friend.)

It's really pitiful that as much as I bitch about being lonely, I'd rather be alone than with most people. "Haha," he says dryly.

I guess I should consider going to sleep consider-ing that I'm falling asleep. I don't know why I even bother posting here anymore because all I do is sit up all night and think too much, get depressed and then come here to pout about it like anyone (if anyone) wants to read this crap and get *themselves* depressed.